Alex and Leelee held on to one another until all doubts were gone. She assured him that she was grateful for him sharing such deep pain with her. I’m so afraid that you will think less of me, Alex lamented. No way, Alex. I love you. This only helps me see just how strong you are. This isn’t just you, Alex. This is us. We will handle this together.
Standing up they made their way to the couch. What are you most afraid of, Alex? I think I have always worried about being like my dad. That I wouldn’t be able to love in the right way. That I could walk away from my responsibilities. That I could abandon my wife and kids. I feel damaged by all that’s happened to me. Like something is fundamentally wrong with me. I work so hard trying to prove I’m good enough. Yet nothing I’ve ever accomplished has given me any lasting sense of worthiness.
Our wedding day was the best day of my life, Leelee. When you agreed to marry me I felt like I hit the lottery. I love you so much. And I believe you love me. But I’ve harbored fear that you would leave me someday. I thought, if you ever found out about my secrets, you would say good bye. Be gone forever. Bringing a child into my private world seemed unsafe. I didn’t dare risk it.
I know birth control isn’t full proof but how do you think we ended up pregnant? Well, I think we better wait until we get confirmation, Alex. No way! This has been too extreme. I would be in total chaos if you weren’t pregnant. While I wanted time to work out my questions and insecurities I would be in absolute disappointment if you aren’t with child. This is the most powerful moment of my life. I have never had anything touch me on all levels the way this has. I know in my heart that we have a child on the way. I’m still wondering how it happened.
Leelee said, I believe God decides when a child is to be born. What do you mean? he asks. There is so much information about conception. And what comes after conception. There isn’t much info about life before the womb. Since I was a little girl, I’ve pondered life before conception. I think life comes from God. He’s the giver of life. I believe life is a part of God. I believe life cannot happen without God saying, I want this to happen.
What a minute, Alex says, in a confused protest. What about parents? Don’t you think they are the ones deciding to have children? Yes, of course, she expounds. I think parents who decide to have children are cooperating with divine intention. Think about the people who want to have children and can’t. Life just isn’t possible unless God is granting it. Now you are filling me with even more questions, Alex expresses. Why would God deny children to people who want them? I’m not playing God, Leelee states. I don’t profess to know all the answers to every mystery of life. I just believe life isn’t possible unless God is directly sanctioning it.
Hang on, Leelee. I know you have a faith I don’t have. Based on what you’re saying I’m perplexed. I have trouble believing God is that involved in our lives. Why would he bring me into the world for me to be abandoned and molested? Leelee searches for the words to convey her thoughts. I think God ordains life. He puts life into the trust of human beings. It was never His intention for you to be abandoned or molested. Everything that happens, good or bad, is the result of whether or not we honor each others lives. The further people get from believing in the sanctity of every life the more abuses and human atrocities we see. The people that hurt you didn’t honor you. Or themselves. These decisions are often derived from selfishness. Sometimes it comes from their own pain. You know the saying; hurt people hurt other people. What you deserved, Alex, was to be loved and protected.
Alex is on the edge of his seat. The deep emotional experience, of the last few hours, has his heart open. He’s kept a reverent posture toward God publicly. But, his private thoughts have been more belligerent. He’s harbored anger and resentment toward the man upstairs. I’ve been upset with God since I was a little boy. Why didn’t He protect me?
Free will is an imperfect system, continues, Leelee. What do you mean by free will? he asks. We get to decide how we live our lives. What we do to ourselves. The things we do to each other. God tries to teach us the value of life. The purpose of life. How to maximize life. But He has given the power of choice to each of us. People choose good and evil. That’s the way I see it, Alex.
So, if I’m hearing you correctly, I should be holding people responsible for hurting me and not blaming God. I think that’s the truth, Alex. If God intervened in every situation we wouldn’t be human beings. He would take our power of choice away from us. We wouldn’t be created in His image. So what do I do with the pain I carry. You forgive, Alex. You forgive and free yourself from the bondage of other people’s failures. You forgive yourself for your own failures. You forgive and get ready to be the best daddy in the world.
How did you get to be so wise, Leelee? I don’t think I’m wise, Alex. I have many questions myself. I’m thankful for the answers I do have. I keep asking for more understanding. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. Daughter. Sister. I want to be a friend to the world. I think we all have the ability to make the world a better place. I really want to do my part. For the first time in his life, Alex thought he should explore God.
What a glorious day for the All Mighty and Ever-Present!
Marty will return next Friday!